some fucking thing

There’s always some fucking thing I put in my own way to stop me from doing things that feel in any way taboo. <there’s always some fucking thing wrong with whatever system I’m using and somehow fixing that thing becomes the thing I’m doing instead. Keyboard shortcuts, customising colours, everything that matters but doesn’t matter, just to keep myself from doing a bad bad. What’s a bad bad? Anything that isn’t pure narcissistic gratification, anything that involves the external and the outside, including my body. Exercise has become taboo, because there is a danger I will get carried away with it and hurt myself or tire myself out too much. But this contains its own negation because the less I do, the more easily tired I become, in a recursive cycle until I am permanently comatose on the couch playing Fallout.

I still have my profound paranoia, the rule give watching over my shoulder, and I just can’t shake him off.