Poop

Just a little bit to warm up before working on a novel that I probably shouldn’t be working on because I have two other ones waiting to get finished and I’m feeling torn and directionless in the writing of this one because I am split between projects which confuses me and disperses my attention such that I can barely get myself to sit down and do anything at all. Today is also a strangely tired day but it’s not strange because I ate mostly carbs and cheap ground beef and whenever I eat mostly cheap ground beef and bready carbs I feel tired and sluggish and grumpy and all I want to do is nap all evening and then go to bed. I have been craving coffee like crazy lately, mostly because it is dark and bitter and dirty tasting and I don’t have anything anymore that is dirty tasting to eat or drink. Most people don’t know what I mean by that, but I used to smoke cigarettes and consume most of my calories in bitter, hoppy beer, or straight liquor, and used caffeine as the pick me up to compensate for the horrid sluggishness that comes with a hangover, and I have been missing the harshness of those things because it is friction and harshness that lets you know you are alive and I have been feeling very soul-dead lately. Soul dead means carb heavy and lazy and lonely and unmotivated to do anything but jerk off and watch trackmania streamers race their fake cars in a fake universe while they live their fake fantasy lives in europe and they are easy rich just from being reasonably good looking reasonably charming and very good at the video game they play. But even though they often win at their game they are losers because they don’t actually do anything but provide some calm and pressure-free distraction from the horrors of modern life which is a pretty big contribution when you think about it but also a bit of detriment because they provide a refuge for us to hide in so that we don’t see the world outside our windows. I’m generally not happy in my life right now and having a hard time that has nothing and everything to do with the state of the world which weighs on me but there is nothing I can do about it so I try to ignore it but ignoring that means I have to ignore everything else which leaves me in a buble that consists almost entirely of porn, trackmania streamers, 1960’s sci-fi novels and simple carbohydrates. This let me tell you is not a satisfying way to live.